Family & Relationships I tried using a 'sex menu' to improve things in the bedroom — and it was a disaster

17:39  23 may  2018
17:39  23 may  2018 Source:   msn.com

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It 's not uncommon to have some anxieties about how well you're performing in the bedroom . And while whatever sex you and your partner are comfortable with is "good" sex , there is always some room to improve the mood.

Writhing about naked, covered in sweat: sex is one of the most uninhibited things you can do with another person. So it ’s sort of odd that a lot of us are so terrible at talking about it . And whether a relationship is in those heady stages when you fumble around trying to work out what marks "ooh

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  • A "sex menu" is a list of one's sexual preferences, including likes, dislikes, and things to try. 
  • Relationship experts say that it can have a positive impact on your sex life and overall relationship.
  • I tried implementing a sex menu into my relationship, and it didn't have the desired results. 

Does your sex life need a boost? If so, you might want to try out something called a sex menu. Or, at least, that's what I did.

To clarify, my sex life is — and was — perfectly fine. But I am a fledgling sex journalist. So, when my editor sent me a link to an article about something called a "sex menu" and asked if I wanted to try it, I jumped on the opportunity. 

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Main Menu . To make things more comfortable, try using a lubricant. Frame your sexual desires in the form of a fantasy. The benefits of sex extend beyond the bedroom . In fact, a roll in the hay can improve your heart health, boost your immunity, and more.

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And that is how I found myself, late on a Sunday night, emailing Google spreadsheet titled "S*x Menu" to the guy I am seeing.

A sex menu is a way to rank your preference with sex and open up a conversation with your partner.

A sex menu works like this: You think about your past sexual experiences and consider what you liked and did not like about your sexual experiences. Then, you put all the things you like in one column that serves, if you will, as the main course.

The stuff you don't like goes in another column, which is...poison? Food you are allergic to? Food you don't particularly love, but will eat on special occasions when you know it is important to the person serving it to you? It's up to you.

In keeping with this specific food-based analogy, this menu also has dessert; all the sexual things you may not have tried, but would like to do — or would at least consider doing — one day.

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Don’t knock the “Daddy” play until you try it . In the bedroom , she’s only “baby” or “good girl This guy I used to see (not really a boyfriend, but you know, close) would film us having sex and send me clips of it throughout the day. Treatment can greatly improve your emotional and physical well- being .

It sounds like it may be stirring up a deeper issue for her that is about more than sex . I would try role-playing this stuff outside of the bedroom . I would think it 'd be an easier thing to improve upon than, say, fixing a personality trait?

And that is quite literally all you have to do to create your sex menu. It can be as detailed or as vague as you like. You can also use any medium you prefer to create it, whether it's an Excel document, a Google spreadsheet, pen and paper, or, perhaps, a printed-out mock-up of a real menu. Again — it's up to you.

a woman sitting on a table: looking at menu © Provided by Business Insider Inc looking at menu

My partner didn't know what to make of my menu, which made things difficult.

The main flaw with this experiment was most likely a personal problem — I deeply loathe anything that feels kitschy or cutesy, particularly when it pertains to sex. To me, discussing the things that you'd like to do during sex as "putting them on the menu" or "serving them up" is about as nauseating as it gets. 

All the same, I made a list and sent it over to the person I have been seeing for about six months, who did not know what to make of the whole thing.

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Could a smartphone-enabled gadget give my bladder a boost and help out in the bedroom , too? After two kids and four decades of life, things down there just aren’t what they used to be . (Another way to improve your sex life: a couples vibrator. Here's what happened when one writer tried it with

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"Why did you call it a s*x menu?" he asked me.

"I don't know," I said. "That's not the point."

"I'm confused," he said. 

I, too, was confused. We did not have sex that night.

It's not that the menu presented any problems in the relationship, per se — I didn't feel awkward about discussing it at all, as I sort of expected I might. It's just that the conversation didn't feel all that productive. I already know what I like and don't like in my sex life and, at the risk of revealing too much about my business, it's all working very well for me. 

This is likely due in large part to the fact that, again, I've been dating this person for about six months. If the relationship was in its earlier stages or something more long-term, I might have gotten more out of it. So, while I appreciate the idea of a sex menu in theory, in reality, I think that I am more comfortable sticking to a straight-up discussion. 

Sex menus can be beneficial for many relationships — just not mine.

This is not to say, however, that no one should try a sex menu. When I asked Dr. Jane Greer, a New York-based marriage and sex therapist and author of "What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship," what she thought about the concept of a sex menu, she was in favor of it.

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Additional menu . Facebook. Youtube. When in fact, if they did just one simple thing , they could get their woman to do everything they wanted and more in the bedroom . The point of sex is to enjoy each other, not to use each other or force each other to have an orgasm.

Luckily, there are a few things you can do to help your guy hold out so you can both last longer in bed and reach the finish line. Plus, it will help you get a head start and close the orgasm gap so that you're both on the same page once you’re having sex . 2. Try using a cock ring.

"This is a creative idea," Greer said. "It's a way to let your partner know what you're interested in doing, and then they can see if it suits their taste without rejecting it outright. Without discussing these needs, it leaves the door open to disappointment and feelings of frustration. You have to go on record with what you like and dislike so that your needs can be factored into the equation."

It seems to me, at least, that the sex menu practice is probably best suited for people who are just starting to have sex with a new partner and want to lay down preferences in a low-drama way, particularly if either party has any past trauma that makes certain sex acts truly out of the question. It's also ideal for couples who have been together for a long time and have forgotten what made sex enjoyable when they first started dating.

a man lying on a bed: jane the virgin sex © Provided by Business Insider Inc jane the virgin sex

I'm still into the overall idea of using a sex menu. It can be difficult to think critically about the sexual experiences you are having, let alone discuss them with the person you're sleeping with. But simply taking the time to ask yourself what you actually want out of sex is something that more people should probably be doing. 

If you don't want to go the sex menu route, Greer recommended telling your partner about something that you've read or heard about and asking if they'd consider trying it. "If they don't know, then ask if you can try it and find out whether they like it or not," she told INSIDER.

And, if thinking of your sexual pre fences in a menu format does make it easier for you to discuss — or, ahem, more appetizing for you— more power to you.

In any case, it can hardly be a bad idea for more people to start actively considering what makes sex great or not-so-great for them. This particular sex menu method just wasn't exactly the right thing for me.

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