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In one of your not-so-finest moments, you’ve probably yelled something like “I hate you!” at someone you love. (You're only human.) But what if you honestly felt that way? What if some part of you—a small fraction or even a really substantial one—actually hates your husband or partner?
As it turns out, hating your spouse isn't as uncommon as you might think. Practically everyone has times when they feel something like hate toward their partner, saysPhD, a marriage and family therapist in New York City. In her book, , Greer calls these “Hate You, Mean It” moments. It’s basically impossible to live with someone without occasionally feeling annoyed by their behavior, she says—but what you need for a relationship to be successful is for those moments to be balanced out with “Love You, Mean It” ones.
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“That’s when you look at your partner and recognize why you love them, whether it’s because they’re being thoughtful, they’re so attractive to you,, they said something funny, they were supportive and helped you, or you saw them with your children and you thought, 'What a great mother or father they are,'” says Greer. Without those moments, your relationship is like a sunburn with no aloe, she says.
If you feel the opposite way—that your feelings are falling more on the “Hate You, Mean It” side of the spectrum—you're likely dealing with a real and heavy dose of resentment. Read on for Greer’s advice about exactly what to do.
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1. Figure out where your needs aren’t being met.
Maybe you’re very clear that your hatred stems from how your partner never picks up after his or herself or never follows through on things they said they'd do. Or maybe you’re feeling these negative feelings, but you’re not exactly sure why.
If it’s the latter, Greer suggests paying close attention to your partner’s behavior and reflecting back on how they've been acting. “Ask yourself, ‘Is there an unresolved issue? Is it something they did recently that's making me upset? Is it something they said? Am I not feeling listened to?’” she says. “Look at, ‘Where am I feeling unimportant, unconsidered, not cared about, controlled, or deprived?’ Where are your needs not being met? That's the real question.”
Let’s say your husband doesn’t lift a finger around the house, or your wife constantly blares the TV when you’re trying to sleep. “If it’s a continued, chronic behavior,” says Greer, “it can become really problematic.”
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Another possibility for hating or resenting your partner is that they're responsible for one action—but a biggie one. Exhibit A: Your partner moved you across the country for their job. It’s one thing if you decided on the move together because it was in the best interest of your relationship and family; it’s another if you feel like your partner didn’t ask for your input.
There’s a difference between compromise and sacrifice, says Greer. “In order for you not to be resentful about the decisions that go on in your life, you have to feel that you're making a choice—not that you're sacrificing and going along,” she says. “Otherwise, there will be resentment and anger."
2. Don’t let your hatred get to the boiling point.
Now that you've pared down the reason (or reasons) you're feeling so anti toward your partner, you’ve got to discuss this hatred with them—and fast, according to Greer.
“If you're aware that you’re upset and angry, the sooner you can talk about, the less it festers, the less you dwell on it, and the less retaliatory you become,” she says.
So have a (healthy!) conversation. Greer recommends starting with empathy, thinking about why your partner might be behaving in this particular way. You might say, “I understand that you work long hours, feel exhausted when you get home, and therefore don’t want to do more work, like house chores.” Or, “I get that you felt like you had to move or your boss was going to fire you.”
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Then go ahead and say how you feel—without blaming. Maybe you say something like, “With that being said, I’m really feeling resentful when we keep talking about the dishes and you still keep leaving them in the sink,” or, “I didn't feel like I had a lot of say in relocating, and I’m still upset about it.”
3. Suggest solutions.
Once you've initiated the "here's what's up" convo and your spouse has had a chance to voice their part, it's time to move on to the resolution bit.
“You move to, how do we problem-solve in the future? How do we avoid this going forward?” explains Greer. Perhaps you’ll always handle the dishes as long as your partner takes care taking out all the garbage, which you hate. And you’ll always talk to each other and develop a strategy before making any big family decisions.
Oftentimes, hating your partner is really just about feeling like whatever they're doing or not doing is never going to change. But there can't be change if you don't communicate.
4. Think about counseling.
If things still don't change for the better after you've talked out your grievances, you might want to seek out professional guidance.
“If you're reaching a point of resigning yourself to, ‘This is the way it is’ and you're just angry, it’s time for counseling,” Greer says. Acan help you both voice concerns that might be making each of you less motivated to do your part, plus give you tools for improved communication and understanding, as well as .
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Their experiences can give you ideas about how to bring up the topic with your other half.
To get your partner on board, try saying, "I’d really like for us to get along better and be happier together, like we used to be. I think it would really help us a lot if we could get some objective support, with a counselor who is skilled in helping couples make their relationship stronger," Greer suggests.
Now, if your partner shuts down the idea (some men, and women, too, don't "believe" in therapy), try this approach, from Greer. Tell them: "I still feel the need for some outside help, so I’m going to go talk to somebody and see if that can make anything better just on my part." Typically when one person seeks help and starts to make changes, Greer says, their partner starts to feel a little anxious and wants to come in to see what's going on.
P.S. Couples counseling, which is on the rise, btw, doesn't necessarily mean that youror you . For a lot of people, it's just a proactive way to ensure that you're both giving your bond your all.
5. Have more fun together.
Marriage (and relationships in general) take work. But when things become all work and no play, of course you're going to start to hate on the person who's making you put in all that effort.
And once you've started to hate your husband (or wife, or boyfriend/girlfriend), you might start spending less leisure time with him, which perpetuates the cycle. Your fix? Start having more fun together, stat.
Break out the old collection of "Date Night Ideas" from your bridal shower, text a friend for a breakdown of her best date ever, or throw it back to one of the first and most fun outings you and your partner had when you first got together. The idea is to do something either totally out-of-the-box or nostalgic—as long as it's something you'll both enjoy (like hitting up a cool new brewery over, say, apple picking), it'll do.
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A quick day or weekend trip away can help, too, says Greer. Sometimes you need a short escape from daily life, where you're in your typical husband/wife-dad/mom roles, to rekindle your flame.
Otherwise, you’ll only have those “Hate You, Mean It” moments left. And that becomes much harder to come back from.
Related video: Do you love me? Questions you'll never have to ask if you are in a healthy relationship (provided by Buzz60)
10 replicas shocks to place when you are asked why you do not have children
You are a woman, you do not want to have children and you assume this choice perfectly. Only problem: the comments of others that suggest that something goes wrong at home. If you have more than enough to be asked why you do not have children, here is a small arsenal of well-meaning replicas in which you can dig. And preferably, without moderation.
"So, when's that?", "Bah, in time, you'll change your mind!" Here is a small non-exhaustive list of thesentences that women who have chosen not to have children are often entitled to, whether they are formulated by girlfriends who have recently become mothers or by "well-intentioned" parents. Because of course, a woman has the right to work and enjoy life as much as she wants, but on the condition of making children huh! One hardly exaggerates. In fact, ask the childless women if, after their forties, they have never had such reflections.
The comedian and comedian Juliette Arnaud (44 years) told us about it last November, on the occasion of the release of the documentaryin which she reveals us a delicious tutorial (see video below) on this subject. "People are incredibly brutal with women who do not have children, especially women who tell you things like 'you can not understand, you do not have children', actress
As it seems far from the time when feminists came down the streets and chanted "a child when I want, if I want!" Today, it is hardly possible to scream loudly that we do not want a child without being shot by our great aunt or attracting the sad comments of our friends, pregnant to the eyes, who are so sorry for us because we will miss out on the most beautiful experience of our existence which is to give life ...
And of course, there is the question to 100,000 euros: "By the way, why did not you have children?", which at best causes a big sigh from us and that, at worst, gives us desires for murder (especially when it's the third time this week that The worry is that we do not always have the right replica in stock to cut the conversation. Here is a small memo of sentences to blow his interlocutor with punch and dignity. Or not.1- "And you, why did you do it?" (children)
Go out as quietly and politely as you can when you're out of patience. This answer will surely disarm your interlocutor and, with a little luck, will allow you to sip your mojito quietly. The attack is definitely the best defense.2- "I prefer to save the planet"
Unless you are called Donald Trump, you must admit that this argument is difficult to contest. In addition, it makes you think.3- "I have an amazing life"
An answer blown by actress4- "I'm fine, thank you" . And I must admit that it slams. Because yes, we can have an incredible life even if we have no children, no offense to some.
Not the most friendly answer, but terribly effective for making yourself understood. To use when someone seems to take pity on you because, poor of you, you have no children.5- "Why do not we ever ask guys this question?"
Thanks to actress6- "I have no desire to go back to childhood" for asking this question (even though she herself was pregnant). "That's true, by the way, why?", Can you go up if you're with your family, just to be sure to start the debate. And during this time, you can go out and grill a quiet one.
To that, you can add that it's still a lot more fun to be able to feast without worrying about keeping the curfew at midnight because you have to release the babysitter.7- "I always hated doing like everyone else"
A bit snobby but, at the same time, the person who (yet) dared to ask you this question has looked for it.8- "I have migraine just thinking about it"
An effective way to say "in case you still have not understood, I've never been super excited by the idea of reproducing myself".9- "It was not written in my to-do-list, so I forgot"
Because humor is and will always be one of the best ways out!10- "If we ask you, you just have to say you do not know"
It can hardly be more scathing, but at least it should quickly shorten the discussion. Swing as a last resort, when you have really tried everything.
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