Health & FitAs a rainbow baby, I never really asked my mom about her miscarriage. Until now
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I can’t really pinpoint when I found out that my mother had a miscarriage. I’ve just always known.
Growing up, my parents never kept much from me and my sister, who is six years my senior. For the most part, they were open books.
My mother possesses bold opinions, with a brassy way of expressing them. She lived through civil war in Lebanon helping mothers and children as a social worker, and she came to America with the goal of continuing to help people, earning a master's degree in social work from the University of Pennsylvania.
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Soon after, she met my father at a party, and they got married and had two children.
But they lost one in the middle.
While I always knew that, I had never actually asked my mother how she felt about it.
I never even had heard of the term rainbow baby until just a few weeks ago, when I was assignedabout a photographer . Hearing their stories made me feel like I belonged to a special group of people.
Recently, my mother came to New York to take care of me after I underwent a surgery. She jumped on the Megabus from Philadelphia and was there by my bed when I woke up so she could take me home from the hospital.
I always was a "Mama's Boy." Starting in childhood, my mother and I have had a deep relationship: It hasn’t always been good, but even when it’s been bad it’s only bad for a little bit, as my mother and I believe in never holding grudges and making up after one sleep.
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After my surgery, we sat in my apartment’s garden, recuperating and reminiscing. That’s when I decided to ask my mother about the child she lost before she had me. I wasn’t prepared for how emotional things were about to get.
“I always wanted two children,” she told me. “Your sister was close to 4 years old. We hadn’t been trying for too long, and we got pregnant.”
She found out she was pregnant at eight weeks, and had a miscarriage a few weeks later. “Your sister wanted a fish at the store,” she said. “We were walking in the door, and your sister was holding the goldfish in the plastic bag they use to use. And then I felt something fall in my underwear.”
She ran upstairs and sat on the toilet. “The only thing that comes to me and makes me cry is that my baby got flushed in the toilet,” she said.
At this point, my mom is sobbing a deep, guttural kind of cry. Something I haven’t really seen from her, ever. Sure, I've seen her cry, plenty of times and for plenty of reasons. But this is different. It seems heavier. Maybe it's because this was something she had never really told anybody. Or maybe this was a different kind of pain, one I'd never seen her experience before.
To The Mom Who Just Had a Miscarriage
You are not broken, even when your heart is breaking. I want you to know that there is hope.I can't say where your journey may lead you or what the future will hold for you. I can't promise that there will be a baby to fill your arms or a heart that will ever be fully mended, but I can promise that there will always be hope. Hope, however it may be tinged with wonder and fear and even pain, will never leave you if you hold on to it.I want you to know that you can wonder.You can wonder why on earth we can put a man on the moon but not figure out a more humane way for women to lose their pregnancies.
“That’s the only thing that bothers me. That I couldn’t get him out. You know, hun? The whole idea that he went with the sewage, it really hurt me.”
Now I’m crying too. I go to my mother’s side to console her. There’s still a piece of her hurting.
Even though my mother’s miscarriage came up many times during my childhood, I don’t think my mom ever let herself feel this kind of pain in front of us, for the sake of her children. Until now.
I guess that’s what parents do. They hide their pain from the children, no matter how deep or hard it may be.
Sure, my mother seemed "fine" about her miscarriage. But especially as grown-up kids, it may be a responsibility of ours to check in with our parents about the things they have survived. Because when we were kids, they did what they had to do to make sure we didn’t realize the magnitude of their trauma.
But still, parents hurt.
And while my mother uncovered this traumatic memory, she also shared the silver lining that got her through the pain: me.
“I'm sad about the other baby, but I literally wouldn't have had you if that didn’t happen to me,” she told me. “I have you. It might sound cruel against the other baby that I lost, but I have to look at this like I wouldn't have had you if that didn't happen to me. It may sound weird to think that way, but that's what I came up with.”
How Traveling Helped Me Heal From My Miscarriage
I was helped hugely by the kindness of friends who put me up in various cities and countries while I tried to feel like myself again. A month after the miscarriage, I flew to Malaysia for some much-needed TLC from one of my closest friends whose family lives there. We gazed at the orangutans swinging through the trees in Borneo, and ran shrieking through Batu Caves in Kuala Lumpur when the macaques descended the cave wall toward us. We sang karaoke with her dad and performed a duet of Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” to his family who spoke only Chinese. We ate all the sugar-laden pineapple tarts.
She said that this idea has surfaced for her often in the last few years.
“Lately, I have been thinking to myself even more, ‘Alex wouldn't be in my life if I didn’t go through that,’” she said. “I try to find the silver lining in everything, and for this, that is you.”
As a reporter, I ask most of my interview subjects what they learned about themselves through an experience. I realized that learning the full story of my mother's miscarriage inspires me to be a better version of myself. Not only to make both my parents proud, but to also uphold the legacy of that baby my parents lost.
Sure, they say a rainbow baby is the rainbow after a storm, but maybe that rainbow is meant to shine through a person for their entire life, continuing to cast a light on the darkness in this world.
“You wouldn’t have been brought into my life if I didn’t go through that, and I am so happy that you were,” my mother said, her tears drying.
“I love my rainbow baby.”
Video: Hilaria Baldwin confirms miscarriage in emotional Instagram post
Alabama woman sued for miscarriage after
shootout Marshae Jones, a 27-year-old American, was indicted in Alabama. She is accused of causing the death of the baby she was carrying because she had a fight with the person who shot her.
A news item that will revive the debate in Alabama. On Wednesday, Marshae Jones, a 27-year-old American woman, was indicted for manslaughter. She is accused of being responsible for the death of the baby she was carrying because, according to the police, she provoked the argument that led to the shooting during which she was hit in the womb while she was pregnant with 5 months. Ebony Jemison, the 23-year-old who fired the shots, was not charged because a grand jury refused to hold charges against her, AL.com said. Marshae Jones will be transferred to a Jefferson County Jail, and will only be released on bail of $ 50,000.
The facts date back to December 4 in Pleasant Grove, central Alabama. Marshae Jones and Ebony Jemison would have quarreled about the father of the child of the first, until the second one out a gun and shoot, wounding his rival, who survived but miscarried, relates the Washington Post. "The investigation showed that the only real victim was the unborn baby. It was the baby's mother who initiated and continued the fight that resulted in the death of her own unborn baby, "said Pleasant Grove police lieutenant Lt Danny Reid. "Let's not forget that the unborn baby is the victim here. She had no choice but to be there, taken unnecessarily into a fight where she was relying on her mother to protect her. "Extreme Law Passed in the State
This decision shocked a state that voted, the last month, a law criminalizing abortion without exception, including incest or rape, except for "a serious risk to the mother of the unborn child". In this text ratified by the Republican governor of Alabama Kay Ivey, any doctor who violates the law incurs up to 99 years in prison, more than the penalty incurred by a person convicted of rape. The text is expected to come into force next November, but it is likely that legal remedies will not prevent it. A legal battle desired by the drafters of the law, which aims to bring the fight to the Supreme Court to challenge Roe v. Wade, the 1973 jurisprudence authorizing abortion at the federal level. "Tomorrow, it will be another black woman, perhaps pursued for having a drink. And after her, another, for not having benefited from adequate prenatal care, "said Amanda Reyes, executive director of the Yellowhammer Fund, an advocacy group for the right to abortion.
However, as Mary Ziegler, a professor of law at Florida Law University, explained to us, it is highly likely that the absence of exceptions would be considered too extreme by the Supreme Court, even though it is now Conservative majority since the appointment of two judges by Donald Trump: "The law is very extreme but its timing is its weak point. [...] Anti-abortion feels that they have an opportunity to get rid of Roe v. Wade and are ready to be patient. They prefer to take the time needed, unlike what happens in Alabama, where legislators are a little too impatient. "
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