Smart Living: If you haven't failed enough, you're not living hard enough, according to a psychologist - PressFrom - US
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Smart LivingIf you haven't failed enough, you're not living hard enough, according to a psychologist

00:35  10 september  2019
00:35  10 september  2019 Source:   msn.com

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If you haven't failed enough, you're not living hard enough, according to a psychologist© South_agency / Getty
  • Failure is an essential part of life. If you're not failing enough, you're not living hard enough, according to psychologist Perpetua Neo.
  • Everybody has experienced failures, you just might not have seen their journey to success that was riddled with them.
  • Neo said we should look at our own lives to congratulate ourselves on what we've achieved, rather than what we tried and failed at.
  • People who repress their vulnerabilities and their failures tend to be the ones who are the most unpalatable, said Neo, because they believe showing them makes them weak.
  • Instead, you should embrace your failures and use them as intel to figure out what you need to work at, and what you need to let go.

People who fail a lot are living life right. That's according to psychologist Perpetua Neo, who believes success comes out of the attempts we make. As for those who don't fail at all, they're not living hard enough.

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"Everybody has got failures," Neo told Insider. "If you see people with success, you're looking at their shiny front. We don't see how many failures it took for them to be like that."

A talented tailor, for example, can alter clothes perfectly in no time at all. But they don't reach that level of skill overnight - there's a lot of training, practice, and most importantly, failure.

"There's a lot we don't see," Neo said. "If you look at your own life, what are the things you've bounced back from?"

If you look at the person you are today, she said, what would you tell your younger self if you could?

"What would they be proud of? What demons are they proud of you for conquering? How have you grown as a person?" she said. "I think that's something we don't celebrate or champion enough."

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Real wisdom comes from experience, not just "hiding behind a book," according to Neo.

"I want to know you know what it's like to be human," she said. "Because it's very easy to say just do x, y, z. But to actually know what it's like to push yourself through something, in your darkest times, and the times you're unmotivated, is another thing altogether."

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People who repress their vulnerabilities and their failures tend to be the ones who are the most unpalatable, said Neo, because they believe showing them makes them weak.

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"They are the people who can be the most cruel," she said. "When you can own the different chapters of your life, even if initially you feel a little embarrassed, the more integrated you are as a human being and the more authentic you are."

Learning to embrace failure makes you more comfortable with yourself.

Everyone has things they are not good at and has made decisions in the past they are not proud of. But if we push them down and pretend they don't exist, it can build this resentment inside of us, Neo said.

There are two things you can do to learn to embrace your failures, and in turn, attempt more in your life.

1. Accept who you are

"It's a question of 'do you really want to make the effort?'" Neo said. "If not, then just accept you need help or you're just crap at something."

There's no shame in saying you're bad at directions or have no creative talent whatsoever. But if we dwell on it, and see it as a shameful thing, then we beat ourselves up over it.

"The person you see who seems to have a perfect life, maybe they do, or maybe they're just great at certain things and crap at other things like you," said Neo. "Just like you have natural strengths and you have skills you've picked up the hard way."

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2. Accept what you need to work on

Your life isn't going to end because you can't park a car. But if failing at it over and over again is causing you anguish, then do something about it, Neo said.

"Either you learn how to or you don't," she said.

If you haven't failed enough, you're not living hard enough, according to a psychologist© RBFried / Getty Failure teaches you what to simplify in your life.

According to Neo, when we fail at something, it can be a simple indication it's something that doesn't work for you and you can cut it loose.

"When you want to pick up something or work towards a goal, sometimes we get caught up in the nitty-gritty, and we buy 10,000 programs and courses online and do everything.," she said. "But think of it as evolution. It's not just about becoming more complex, it's also in terms of simplifying a system. It's basically refining a process."

Essentially, failure is a form of intel. It tells you what you're good at, and what you're not so good at.

The real strength comes in realizing "everything is a lesson" - taking the result you got from the test, analyzing it, and working out what you're going to do about it.

"We carry our perceived and real failures and over-think it in our heads, so there's a lot of anger, and forgiveness allows us to let it go," said Neo. "If you can release that, you can truly forgive yourself and know that the inadequacy doesn't own you anymore."

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